Remember, remember the 12th of November…
Monzi’s blog of first!
I was legit just sitting at work like “I should really start this blog thing.” Wellp, 4 hours, 75 customer service calls and 2 glasses of water later: here I am.
Today is throwback Thursday and I was pondering of putting up a picture my mom found recently of me and my dad. WARNING:: Most of you reading this are literally jaw dropped right now because my rules are very similar to Fight Club when it comes to talking about my father.
- I don’t talk about my dad.
- I. DON’T. TALK. ABOUT. MY. DAD.
- I was dropped by the stork at Michele’s door.
- I don’t talk about my dad.
Why don’t I talk about my dad?
Well, for starters I really don’t know or can remember much about my father. At my ripe old age I can only remember bits and pieces of him and it really didn’t help that he was absent most of time.
Secondly, I came about from a less than perfect situation. I won’t get into grave details but my mom and dad weren’t married when they had me and they weren’t together for very long in the first place. That’s actually all the details I know. So… never mind. That’s the grave details.
I didn’t know this wasn’t a thing until I entered the white, suburban atmosphere of Christian private school . ((NOTE: I don’t mean to bring the race thing in… but I was literally the only Black person on school premises for 4 of my 6 years in elementary school. We’ll talk about how that messed me up at a later date LOL))There weren’t many, if any, people in my situation.
I was black. I lived in the “bad part” of town. I was an only child. I didn’t go to one of the 3 churches everyone else went to. And… I didn’t have a dad.
When you’re 5, this is a perfect storm of differences and when you’re 5… difference is the last thing you want. So, when questions like “Where’s your dad?” or “Who is your dad?” and “What does your dad do?” or “Why do you have a different last name from your mom?” came up I would weasel my out of answering the question by either lying and/or quickly moving onto the next subject. This worked superbly and I wasn’t really faced with talking about him until…college. And when college came… repeat.
Thirdly, he passed away. This just makes everyone feel uneasy. It’s hard to lose a parent. It’s even harder to lose a parent that you don’t know. Most of my friends don’t even know my dad passed. I just had a conversation recently with a friend of like 10 years who didn’t know! Honestly… it’s not that kind of information you just want to throw out there in conversation!
I felt embarrassed. I still feel embarrassed at times… like I’m the only one who’s father died. I don’t like pity. I don’t like negative attention. I don’t like to even think about it… so I just avoid! It helps me not to think about my loss and helps other people’s awkwardness.
The most awkward conversation of ever.
“Hey Monzi…where’s your dad?”
oh, he passed away
“UHH…. oh my gosh! I’m so sorry to hear that… uhhh… are you okay? sorry for…uhhh..I didn’t know! uhhhh…”
My life is filled with trying to make people feel better about their lives. I don’t need the extra burden of trying to make you feel about my situation. Ya feel me?
Soooo…. yea… I don’t talk about my dad. Until now.
Monzi Has Daddy Issues?!
Read my “Blog Lyfe” tab to understand what this blog-moir is all about… but God has brought me to a point where I’m okay with talking about my dad! YAY?! ((I wish I had that attitude when this whole thing started.))
On my journey with the Lord, He kept stressing to me how much He loves me and how He’s my father. The first couple of times God revealed Himself to me in this way, I didn’t really absorb it. I spent so much time blocking my need for a father… it didn’t even seem that big of a deal. Yea…You’re my father. You’re everyone’s Father. I get it.
But He kept stressing it in everything and I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t have a dad?! The only way I knew how to relate to a father was… not having one. I struggled and still struggle with seeing the Lord and relating to Him as a Father… as my Father.
Slowly but surely though, he broke down my walls and my resilience and showed me
- I needed a father.
- I’m effected by not having an earthly father
- God and God alone can rewire my brain to what a father should be and should look like.
God showed me things in me didn’t want to think about, didn’t want to know about and didn’t want to care about. It was ((and still is)) a nasty process of revelation, but He is so faithful and is still getting me through.
My biggest revelation thus far has been how much I missed having my dad around…without actually realizing how much I missed him. If anyone knows me, I love to learn about people/get to know them and I love to OD on people that I love! I will go HAM on parties, events, gifts, whatever to make my loved one feel loved and appreciated and I will get to know the most random person just because! Everyone has a story and it’s always good when you feel like you’ve been heard.
With all that being said, I realized I have all this love stored up for dad… and it has never been tapped into. I was even more upset to think of how I missed out on getting to know such a predominant person in my life. Someone who loves to know people… doesn’t even know her own dad?! Even typing that is so disheartening.
But, even in my sadness… I’m still comforted to know I have a heavenly Father Who is eternal and because of Jesus, I can know and never get to the end of knowing Him! I have a Wonderful Dad Whom I can love on forever and Who loves me better than the perfect earthly father could ever love me.
He loves me best.
And His love overwhelms me so much that I can’t help but let go of the heartache and pain and cling to His joy and goodness. He. IS. SO. SO. GOOD!
- My dad’s not here. But that’s okay.
- My Father in Heaven is awesome and He helps me deal with that.
- God is good.
- When you get a chance…ask me about good ole Larry Payne. Seriously… ask me about him. It’ll help with my healing process…and you can only imagine the crazy hilarious stories I have about the brief, yet memorable times we had together.
- You made it to the end of my blog. GOLD STAR!
Until next time,
But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay, and you are our potter;
we are all the work of your hand
~Isaiah 64:8 ESV